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My Menacing Review!!!

Posted by Scott Woebcke on June 1, 1999 at 21:00:09:

A brief explanation of the story cannot be told in this review because if I explained anything in a paragraph I'd most likely give a synopsis for the entire screenplay! That is the main reason not to see Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. It boasts over 2,000 special effects shots. So what! The special effects don't compliment the terrible dialogue.
The most fun part of the movie was being overly analytical with criticism. I asked my friend sitting next to me "Hey what's up with those aliens. All the different characters in the movie have foreign accents but the good white upper class people in the movie have distinguished British accents. George Lucas is a bigot." It was really annoying see so many aliens who were on the "dark side," have such racist stereotypes placed on them. "I hear some German and Chinese. I said to my friend. "Oh I get it! The Germans are the Nazis on the dark side and the Chinese are the communists."
There was an alien character in the movie. His role was to give the movie a kid's audience. He was an animated character full of silly antics. His funny trait was clumsiness. The alien spoke with an annoying, physically disabled tone. The retarded alien totally minimized the context of the story. The hero's of the movie needed help finding directions to certain places. Of course the alien simply took them to the places in minutes. He made writing a conflict in the story easier. Simply ask the alien for directions and you no where you have to go! What is a movie without conflict? Yawn.
The absence of a conflict, could it get any worse? Yes the acting! Now put on your cynical thinking caps. Imagine the computer generated backdrops totally gone. Do the actors show any emotions? Yes they make a few uncomfortable facial gestures, from distress. Is it the emotional content of the dialogue they are so moved about? No it's most likely the hot lighting casting heat to their face and eyes. How does the tone of the actor's sound? They sounded like they rehearsed a few hours then let the computer geeks generate the images necessary to distract the viewer from bad acting with gorgeous backdrops.

There is however something positive to say about this movie. It would be an excellent film to bring a girl to and make out with. Moving the tongue in her mouth to rhythm of the sound track. Make sure she has been eating a lot of liquorice that was purchased before the film. During the dynamic crescendos is the best time to taste her candy-sweetened tongue. Oh what an experience this is! Ah perhaps my review has been so cynical because I need to get laidâ€¦ I will see this movie with a date then maybe my review will be a bit more positive.

I wrote this as an assignment for my English class. It was a joke, but I still think Star Wars sucked.