Films/DVD Asylum

Movies from comedy to drama to your favorite Hollyweird Star.

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'The Visit': Was it worth the trip?

Posted by Billy Wonka on September 12, 2015 at 15:59:28:
My favorite movie house is 18 miles away. Not right around the corner but it is the best in the metro. I like the trip, my car shows great MPG on the interstate, and I enjoy my de rigueur stop at the Corner Bakery.

The Corner Bakery has a great, dark wood atmosphere and comfy booths. It's the kind of place people like to congregate and that they do because of their WiFi. In fact, people come in for breakfast and set up shoppe with the full-sized laptops, notebooks, and clients. One wonders the profitability of selling one coffee and five free refills.

I always step up and proudly proclaim "senior" and present my phone bar code. I am addicted to their Chopped Salad which seems to be greens run through a blender blast then tossed with their house Italian dressing. Before that my fave was the Santa Fe salad with a creamy ranch with corn dressing that was pretty wonderful. For some mysterious reason the Santa Fe and Ranch Dressing was discontinued. Centralized franchise management isn't always the best. You would think Texan management would realize the life's blood importance of Ranch Dressing. And, they replaced the Santa Fe with a floppy-greened "Southwest Salad" which is nowhere are palatable. Despite my whining to management and texts to HQ nothing has happened. Big Salad has spoken.

After my usually great Chopped and too many tea refills I am ready to mount up and make my way down a two hundred foot stretch of treacherous black top with pert curbing. Fortunately, I drive an AWD system second only to Range Rover so that 200 feet will never scare me despite rain, sleet, hail, nor darkness. I will make it.

Pulling into the parking during work days proves non-controversial. No being cut off, slots up front, even some shade if you get their early enough. I am constantly reminded of Mayor Mary's local news interview when the Malco opened. She let us know there was a dress code but it would have been even nicer if people would really "dress up" for the occassion. Following that encouragement I got fitted with a tux with orange lapels, stripes and cummerbund. The combo drew a lot of attention so I dressed it down with white sneakers. Alas, I was breaking code with that combo so I resorted to jeans and barefoot Allen Edmonds.

After getting my requisite Bladder Buster I gather up my poles and pitons and slog my way to the second from the top aisle. I often wonder if sitting in the more rarefied air still counts as "going big" or actually "going home". Once ensconced I immediately survey for cell phones being waved around by the moronically self-absorbed. My vision develops cross-hairs as my stomach fills with butterflies the closer we get to the feature. On a blessed day they all extinguish without incident.

'The Visit' is another one of M. Night Conman's masterpieces. A low key beginning, a low key middle, and a completely flat ending. Flatter than your first school yard crush. It is a compilation of every scary movie clich� which is neither entertaining nor fun. I can't blame the cast of unknowns--they did okay. Oh, don't expect a "catch" or "twist" because there are none. My mind reels with: "How does he raise money for these still born turds?" Apparently I am a psychopathic movie goer or just plain stupid. There were no more than four other people there on a Friday at four p.m.

I would complain to Mayor Mary but she retired (after 25 years service) to her brother's real estate firm to continue buying and selling her antebellum towne devoted to Tara.

Perfect community, perfect theater, imperfect movies.