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The Bambi B Lifetime Annoyance Awards

216.244.30.56

Posted by Bambi B on May 20, 2004 at 00:06:26

Mates,

As I always get irritable when the Summer slug of shite Summer movies and my friends in the Biz thoughts lightly turn to Box Office, I have decided to announce the Bambi B Lifetime Annoyance Awards.

These are awards designed to point the finger of disgust and show the backside of disapproval to those in the entertainment world that consistently annoy me the most.

Categories and awards:

Most Annoying Actors Whose Mere Mention Will Keep Me from Watching or Throw a Brick at the Screen:

Jerry Lewis- clearly an all-time No. 1
Tom Cruise- gives a bad name to mono-browed goofballs
Kevin Costner- a plank of pine with the ego of Brazilian rosewood
Liza Minelli
Maurice Chavalier- should have been arrested for "Thank Heavens for Little Girls" alone
Leonardo DiCrapio- sorry DiCaprio
Dan Ackroyd- not funny since he was an SNL conehead
Julia Roberts- another plank of wood- at $4 million a board foot
Robin Williams
Jim Carrey
Eddie Murphy
Pee-Wee Herman
Arnold Schwarzenegger- but not too bad as long as he sticks to semi-sentient robots with Austrian accents
Nicole Kidman
Mel Gibson
Kenneth Branaugh- braaaauggghhhh...

Special: Never Understood the Fame and the Career Award:

Al Jolson- except for his appearance, personality, singing, and acting he was great

Special: Wacked out Old Bag That Should be Retired Award:

Joan Rivers

Starting to Get Annoyed by:

Brad Pitt- always the same character
George Clooney- see above
Winona Ryder-
Will Smith- that ego
Pierce Brosnan- a dim bulb under bright lights

Special: Tired of the Constantly Refreshed Artifical "Legend" Award:

James Dean
Marilyn Monroe- like much of her , but ill with new revelations of how Bobby Kennedy had her killed to cover up ..etc
Judy Garland
Princess Di- really an entertainment figure more than anything else, given an apotheosis like the above simply for dying young

Special: Wacked out Old Fart That Should be Retired Award:

Regis Philbin

Special: Wacked out Old Fart That Should be Expelled from the Country Award:

Rupert Murdoch

Director for Whom Dante's Hell Hath Not a Low Enough Level:

Chris Columbus- "Harry's Chamber Pot of Secrets"- should be magically transformed back into blank film
Whoever the hell is doing Star Wars now
Whoever the hell is doing Batman now

Editing that May Cause Comas:

Batmans after Burton's
Matrix Reloaded

Guessing that It's Incredibly Annoying Only from the Trailers:

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Van Helsing- can already see this for an editing award too
Harry Potter Three: "Harry Potter and The Smug, Oblivious Asshole in the Pile of CG Effects"

Guessing that It Would be Incredibly Annoying When They Happen Award:

Movies made from TV series- coming soon is "I Dream of Jeannie"
Bleedin' movies from comic book characters- next it'll be "Scrooge McDuck Does Dallas"
Any future Star Wars- note how the Princess Leia earmuff hair had to be introduced in Epsode 2 to start to match up with Episode 4 of 1979? Ironically this puddle of projectile regurgitation is called the "Attack of the Clones"
Any future Jurassic Park
Any future Matrix- the first one was a great concept and interesting, the second smells like No. 2.
Movies where a guy poses as a girl to be on a team or to meet girls- how many of these do we need?
Movies where a kid gets special powers- and then takes revenge on the school bully
Movies where kids are spies and action heroes
Movies where the action hero is really a male character but the target 13 years old boys audience now insists on cleavage with their mayhem (e.g., Lara Croft). Watch for "Guns N' Bosoms" the next 20 years.

O.K. I feel ready for Summer now.

Cheers,

Bambi B

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