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Mates,Having seen the three episodes of "Lord of the Rings" directed by Peter Jackson, I've decided that this bloated set of computer generated is deserves a remake. This is in the interest of correcting the annoying and illogical aspects of the Jackson original as well as cutting out the numerous scenes contrived to unecessarily pad out the story and distract the audience with filler material.
Here's the complete script for which I'd appreciate comments:
OPENING THEME: ""
INTERIOR- BILBO BAGGINS RESIDENCE
BILBO BAGGINS: Frodo, it's my 113th birthday. I'm leaving tonight, so here's my Ring of Power. It causes obssession, and makes you invisible, but as far as I can tell has no other use. However, the evil wizard Sauron over in Mordor wants it.
FRODO: "Moredoor" -isn't that the place over in the Dale with great prices on both garage and entry doors as well as moat supplies?
BILBO: Don't joke. Sauron is a great big eye and in a really bad mood.
FRODO: Small wonder. Not having a body must really cut into your sex life!
BILBO HANDS THE RING TO FRODO
FRODO: O.K. I'll look after it. I think I have an old phone bill envelope for it. Say, this is a really nice ring!
ENTER GANDLOFF
Say, here's our old friend Gandolff! What it is dawg?
GANDOLFF: Frodo, you're in great danger. Sauron will stop at nothing to possess that ring even though he doesn't have any way to wear it and as far as I know, it doesn't do anything except make you crazy and uncomfortably invisible. Sauron is gathering a big army of these ugly monster thugs that are also very expensive to animate!
FRODO: What can we do?
GANDOLFF: Well, ithere's only one way to end the probable large scale regional conflict. You have drop the Ring into the lava of that big Volcano near Sauron's house.
FRODO: O.K. This will be an adventure involving thousands of soldiers, huge battles, and a personal quest that will almost fail in it's difficulty. Let's assemsble a set of 7 magical warrior friends and start gathering the forces. Then we will face impossible dangers on out months--long trek.
GANDOLFF: Not so fast. Waiting outside are a pair of giant eagles.
FRODO: The Eagles! They can fly anywhere.
GANDOLFF: That's right. It'll tale abut two hours, but we'll ride the Eagles over to Mount Doom.
FRODO: What about those noisy flying dragons the evil guys use?
GANDOLFF: Oh, I've got my magic "staff" which , when I want it to, produces bright rays that will kill anything. Of course I usually only use it when a battle has gone on awhile and everyone's had a chance to suffer.
FRODO: Let's go!
GANDOLFF and FRODO fly off on the bakcs of the eagles to Mordor and Mt. Doom. No one expected this. FRODO drops the ring in the lava and Sauron's tower falls over.
INTERIOR: BILBO BAGGINS HOUSE
ENTER GANDOLFF and FRODO
BILBO: Gandolff! Frodo ! You're back already? I haven't finished the sandwiches for my party tonight!
GANDLOFF: We had a tail wind on the way back.
FRODO: Can I have one of those beef ones?
BILBO: Sure, you derserve it! You're both heroes that will be spoken of for centuries to come.
GNADOLFF: No big deal really. All these magical powers and I still haven't had a date for 1100 years. Any ale?
BILBO, GANDOLFF, FRODO LAUGH
FRODO: Gosh! I'm glad that over! I"m a bit sore in the posterior region, but- thanks giant eagles!
FADE TO BLACK
THEME NUSIC: "THAT OLD BLACK MAGIC"
____________________See how easy this is? Use the tools at hand, some logic, cut the flab and you can make major features for just pennies!
Cheers,
Bambi B
Follow Ups:
Thanks for the laugh. I enjoyed the movies largely due to the visuals but near the end of the trilogy found myself saying "get on with it already!"
marc g. - audiophile by day, music lover by night
Hi,
back in the Sixties I was a big fan of LOTR. I still have a Frodo Lives button in a box somehwere. The movie is true to the books. They cut a few things out; other than that they didn't screw with it.My guess is that if you didn't like the movie the books won't do it for you either. But I love them. I'd suggest just picking up the forst one and reading a couple pages. If it doesn't work for you fine. If it does in a few weeks you'll love the movie.
Disagree that they didn'nt screw with it-ranged from the major (having Boromir make a play for the ring to improve his standing with Denathor) to minor (Gollum tossing the lembas bread over the ledge to implicate Sam).All in all, quite an acheivement for Peter Jackson. The 3rd film was the weakest of the 3, IMO.
When Gandalf says before the gates "The Ring bearer has fulfulled his quest." and all hell then breaks loose in Mordor.Strange why that was not used in the movie.
T.D.
though someday we may tackle the third enstallment...As regards your script, a little editing to tighten it up and I think you're there!
*** Q:Why's the chicken cross the road?
***A: Fats Waller: They don't, they all stay on my side now...***
he simply has the eagles take the ring from Bilbo, and they drop it directly into Mt. Doom from the air. Saves about 10 hours of screen time, and a lot of bloodshed.
> > > "Saves about 10 hours of screen time, and a lot of bloodshed. " < < <True, but putting all of those talented CGI effects artists out of work probably would've resulted in even more bloodshed! :o)
AuPh
....
Who knows, if Terry Gilliam ever resurrects the Don Quixote project maybe you'll get a casting call! ;^DCheers,
AuPh
Have you seen the film about the film who never realized?
Why, were you Jean Rochefort's understudy? :o)
...but on a serious note, I differ with your criticisms and especially the assertion that Peter Jackson's filmed Lord of the Rings trilogy is bloated, annoying and illogical.> > > "Having seen the three episodes of "Lord of the Rings" directed by Peter Jackson, I've decided that this bloated set of computer generated is deserves a remake. This is in the interest of correcting the annoying and illogical aspects of the Jackson original as well as cutting out the numerous scenes contrived to unecessarily pad out the story and distract the audience with filler material." < < <
No offense, and I do appreciate your sense of humor, I can't take your criticisms of LoTR seriously; perhaps you only meant it in jest, but your denouncement was rather blunt. Maybe you've just been overexposed to Victor and patrick's indulging in grey poupon fare and as a result lack an appreciation for more down to Middle Earth entertainment. :o)
What "annoying and illogical aspects" ...? If you seriously didn't like the CGI, that's fine, but why rain on other folk's parade? Not everyone finds special effects utilized to suspend disbelief in an epic fantasy offensive, you know, and those effects were superbly rendered.
IMIO, Peter Jackson's LoTR is nothing short of a magnificent series of films, true epics, far from "bloated" (my wife, myself and just about everyone we know loved all three of these films, and that's in their extended versions). Of course some folks may feel "bloated" trying to sit comfortably through any 3 hour movie after too much soda, which theater chains, quite literally, promote constantly (AD infinitum, so to speak ;^D), but that isn't the fault of the filmmaker trying to faithfully recreate an epic story, is it?
Maybe theater chains should bring back intermissions, like filmmakers provided for epic films of the past such as Selznik's Gone With the Wind and David Lean's Lawrence of Arabia, but that would probably require hiring more ushers to keep track of audiences in busy multi-plex cinemas in our in-and-out in 90 minute rush to judgment culture.
BTW, regardless of of comparisons, Jackson's take on Tolkein was vastly superior to Disney's pond-water sucking Chronic Ills of Nurdia which, in spite of it's running time, felt incomplete and uneven. But just to prove that I'm a good sport and enjoy parody when it isn't predisposed to a critical agenda, I tried to locate and link a clever LoTR parody someone linked a few months ago. Unfortunately, "Lord of The Rings in 30 Seconds" is currently unavailable. It has apparently been pulled or moved, but it was quite funny, even for die-hard fans of the film series like myself.
Cheers,
AuPh
AuPH,Of course, the my criticisms of LoTR are mostly part of my dubious kind of humour, as this triology of mives is an astounding technical effort.
But, it obviously has not escaped the notice of others as well that in the final scenes of "Return" when Frodo, having seen to it the Ring is destroyed, and Sam are clinging to the side of the volcano, that they are rescued quite easily by Gandalf and the Eagles. If the eagles could reach this place for a rescue, we must ask why Gandalf didn't just fly Frodo and the Ring there in the first place.
The reason this is not addressed is that there had to be a way to rescue Frodo and Sam, but if the idea of just flyig to the volcano in the first 20 minutes of the first movie would have circumvented the reamaining 8 hours- and any potential for the battles and action.
There are many logical lapses in fantasy movies, but this one is little insulting- either Gandalf is an idiot or we are!
But, there is amore serious failing generally in LotR concerning the Ring iteself. Tolkien, like William Blake before him, was desperate to create a kind of pre-Christian mythology for England and he drew heavily from another fellow despserate for a retro-styled mythology for his country- Richard Wagner. Like Wagner's Ring Cycle, Tolkien, makes the central focus this ring of power that everyone is after, but this main character that creates the entire action- doesn't really have much to do- it doens't contribute to the events except the obsession it produces. We really don't care about the story as strongly as we might because the ring itself- this center of the story doesn't seem all that important.
I much admire Jackson's work, but it's the original Tokien story that is a little thin iin some important reasepcts and the easy way out of the eagles, the varying effectiveness of magic powers that occur at convenient times to solve story problems that detract a bit from the trilogy. But, certainly, the Jackson set is well worth seeing more than once to understand the depth, skill, and complexity with which it was made- we just have to go easy on intellectual analysis and enjoy it for what it does so well.
Cheers,
Bambi B
> > > "...we must ask why Gandalf didn't just fly Frodo and the Ring there in the first place." < < <Well Bambi, actually, that was a fairly easy one I resolved to my own satisfaction at the time (read on).
> > > "There are many logical lapses in fantasy movies, but this one is little insulting- either Gandalf is an idiot or we are!" < < <
Not at all; here's why: We learn from the outset that some creatures are more susceptable to the Ring's power than others. Neither you nor I, nor Gandalf for that matter, is an idiot! Why would one assume that a giant eagle wouldn't fall under the spell of the One Ring? After all, the eagles were easily susceptable to the power of a Wizard's suggestion and we are already keenly aware that Gandalf wouldn't risk trying to take the Ring to Mount Doom himself.
Does this work for you? It sure worked for me! :o)
> > > "But, there is amore serious failing generally in LotR concerning the Ring iteself. Tolkien, like William Blake before him, was desperate to create a kind of pre-Christian mythology for England and he drew heavily from another fellow despserate for a retro-styled mythology for his country- Richard Wagner. Like Wagner's Ring Cycle, Tolkien, makes the central focus this ring of power that everyone is after, but this main character that creates the entire action- doesn't really have much to do- it doens't contribute to the events except the obsession it produces. We really don't care about the story as strongly as we might because the ring itself- this center of the story doesn't seem all that important." < < <
Well, we may just have to disagree about that I guess, because to my way of thinking in an epic fantasy tale strong central characters can be created through the lust or greed of it's central characters overcome by their own weaknesses and surroundings; given this scenario, the Ring is merely a McGuffin, as Hitchcock would say.
Whether it's the revenge and political intrigue of Wagner's Nordic/Germanic Ring Cycle mythology (centering around Siegfried's sacrifice and death for his love Valkyrie Brunhilde who returns the Ring destroying the Gods), or Tolkein's multi-cultural Hobbit-centric (weakest is the strongest among us) sojourn with it's focus on race comraderie and self sacrifice to achieve a common goal with romantic elements taking a back-seat to defense against oppression, these are both strong stories within the framework established for epic fantasy.
Nevertheless, I do understand your point of view even though I don't concur with it. One of the things about epic fantasy as well as the books upon which epic films are produced is that people will draw varying conclusions about the mythology's strengths and weaknesses. This doesn't mean that either of us are wrong in our viewpoints, per se.
My way of assessing fiction films boils down to whether the finished film(s) faithfully represent the author's work and whether filmmakers have, in translating the works to a different medium, satisfy the expectations of both the mythology's fans and audiences unacquainted with the original works. Fortunately, for the impassioned audiences of both Tolkein's original works and Jackson's films this has been handsomely achieved in all three LoTR films.
Cheers,
AuPh
King kong too? I still have to see this one but the hours to seat through make me afraid!
I think I will wait until your scribt will come out...PatrickU
;^)
nt
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